The Conversion Resurrection
- Drugs, prostitution, sports and the family.
- If the mob can stay cool, why can’t conversion vans?

Hearses start our as ordinary sedans. Chunks are hacked out of Towncars or Devilles with a blow torch, or at least a cutting wheel, some panels are then welded in to get that station wagon look. The landau top is glued on to hide the creases in the metal. Inside, little wood panels, and lots of padding give hearses that extra bit of class. No one spends a lot of time looking over the details inside - so detailing isn’t terribly important. It’s a bit like the inside of a coffin.

For the living, turning a vehicle into the ultimate resting place was once just a fantasy. But then someone thought to put a couch and a radio in the back of a van! Thus the conversion van was born. And it was good. Like in hearses - new carpet, panels and taller roof are attached to stock vehicles! The latest are also pimped out with a plasma TV, PS2 and a folding bed. It’s basically like having your own ambulance. It’s a crowd pleaser at tail-gate parties and it’ll keep the kids in stable condition all the way to the water park.

Tailgating (monster garage) is a big priority for American car and truck designers. Grilling, listening to the radio, cooling beer and assorted patriotic horseplay - all at the back of your car has motivated both car manufacturers and the aftermarket to help you make the party go smoother. It was an idea that prompted audio controls and power outlets in the back end of the Pontiac spAztec, there's even the Freedom Grill (pictured). Overall, more American folks use their pickups to kick off the game or the race than doing all the stuff in truck commercials.

Before kids, conversion vans are an old favourite of club crawlers. Having a mood-lit, dodge bedroom just a few feet from the club was a handy shortcut in the leisure suit years all the way up to Zima's glory days. But the conversion van has been eroding since 1990 and the industry’s concerned. Only Ford and GM are still in the factory conversion business and they’re not happy. Conversion vans are cheaper than the nicer SUVs.. While their club cache has totally fizzled away, you can still score some super dad points by financing the crap out of one.

Last year, GM has partnered up with some van converters to form the Conversion Van Marketing Association. Their big marketing coup? Well, in GM tradition - they’re slashing prices. You can now get over five grand off of one. Five grand! That’s a lot of road trip comfort for about the price of a Tahoe.

Conversion vans need a major make-over. It can’t just be about tailgaters and doin’ it - conversion vans have to become places people want to hang out. Someone has to prefer them to a limo, an H2 with TVs or an afterhours at someone’s apartment. Pictures of conversion vans are disturbing: gray cloth, fake wood panels and airplane aisle lights. What the vans need is to regain their self-esteem.

At least when people installed waterbeds and floor-to-ceiling shag in their vans decades ago, they were serious about making them cool places to be. Why not make today’s vans just as confident, with insides like a VIP room or a private club instead of a Howard Johnson room. Even if the average Nascar dad can’t cough up for a pimped out van - it’ll still help save an automotive tradition.