- A Domino's order will not get you a pizza, but rather a .38 slug to the forehead when you open the door
- All Chicago trolleys to Navy Pier will actually be carbon monoxide gas chambers
- All organic packaged food items from chain grocery stores will be laced with cyanide
- The brakes of all hybrid and electric cars will be sabotaged
- The nutrition pamphlets at fast food restaurants will be brushed with anthrax
Friday Vitriol
Today, Friday the 13th, the executions will commence immediately:
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